Here’s an opinion piece for you. A fairly topical one too. What a truly momentous day. Especially to be British, and witness one of the most truly spectacular events of our lifetime. It was probably the greatest day of our lives. Oh what joy to see our precious William and Catherine(or eh, Kate?) joined in holy matrimony, and send the nation (kingdom, empire, whichever you like) into jubilant raptures. Wave your Union Jack with gusto and celebrate how truly great it is to be British, and this glorious celebration of the monarchy, that age old institution which is such a pillar of strength for all of us. Sod it, who’s up for giving Imperialism another crack of the whip? Lets give ourselves a big pat on the back, and rejoice at the WWII planes, a wonderfully symbolic moment to remind us of the ‘great British resistance’ (that was actually said on the Beeb…)
So, a day of exuberant celebration for everybody involved. Congratulations first and foremost to Britain. The Royal family of course, for being so relevant, and indeed, just the general monarchy, for being there for us whenever the chips are down. The Middleton’s deserve special mention, and Kate for nabbing her man and ridding herself of the commoner tag (finally, about time), and William, for crossing the line with enough hair for us not to think it was Prince Edward getting married again. Not to mention Sarah Burton, the dress maker. Arguably the real winner.
Of course, lets not beat around the bush, the real congrats should go to whatever team created this juggernaut of a PR stunt. Probably the PR stunt of the new millenium in fact. To give the nation all these wedding holidays in one go, with the whopper combination with Easter (Jesus and the Royal family, on a par at last) whilst simultaneously working up the levels of hysteria and build up, was a masterstroke. Women engorged themselves on the endless glossy glamorama of it all, the monarchy was fiending on adrenaline and renewed vigour, and Britain had something uniquely British and traditional to reacquaint itself with. The hysteria was essentially choking, it was so overbearing. Perhaps proof that people en masse prefer nothing more than a few days off work. And here, they had something gloriously patriotic and exciting to latch onto. It was a pretty spectacular combustion of blue, red and white.
So yes, perhaps it was the biggest surge of national pride in a while. But how fitting, just when they are about to face into the biggest summer of discontent in a long time, Tory cuts engravening deeper, recession hanging around like a bad smell, and general disaffection and anger, that this injection of wedding bliss, national pride, and an overly generous number of days away from the office steps into distract people. And thats all it was. A distraction. This is the reason music festivals are allowed happen. The excitement in the build up distracts people, they go away for a weekend to have fun and distract themselves, local economies benefit from the expenditure, they come home and reminisce for the next few weeks to distract themselves. Its a clever ploy people aren’t really aware of. This was the most grandest ploy/distraction of them all. Certainly more of a distraction than a fairytale.
The only person this was a fairytale for was Kate Middleton herself. Its not much of a fairytale for the taxpayers who apart from being overly taxed by Osborne and chums, have just forked out for this ludicrously extravagant affair. I’m sure Terry from Dagenham, whilst mopping up his HP sauce on his commemorative Wills and Kate plate, was today seduced by the wonder of the whole occasion. But in 5 or 6 months time, when he’s crippled by taxes and struggling to make ends meet, there’s a high likelihood that said plate will be symbolically flung against a wall in anger. And while he struggles, its not like the Royal family play a functional role in alleviating his situation to any extent whatsoever. Their real influence, or lack thereof.
It was also pretty cringey to see the how swept away so many people interviewed on television were today. Come on folks, lets get real. How vacuous do you have to be to be utterly taken in by it all?! Intoxicated by the overwhelming euphoria, people were just getting just a tad delusional. I was surprised to see people like Simon Schama (probably getting paid handsomely in fairness for his politically correct 2 cents) declaring that this was a momentous day as it saw the powerful rebirth of the monarchy. Hyperbole? Unsurprisingly, Diana was referenced incessantly, and it seems today that her heir apparent had finally arrived. Kate, being the new Diana, is conveniently a new messiah now too. Expectations are high, but oh won’t she deliver. Queenish qualities she has in abundance, and won’t she lead the country with grace, honour and dignity. We are so proud to have her… Steady on there. This is a workshy girl who has never offered any hint of charisma, personality, intellect or clout. Deadly dull, as my mother would say. Utterly unremarkable. So come on, she’s hardly Joan of Arc. Although I heard she might be the royal ambassador at Wimbledon. Crikey. Very chivalrous. The one impressive thing she probably has achieved is mastering some elocution lessons. But thats about it. But credit where credit is due, she did actually fulfill her lifelong ambition, which was to snag a prince, and I’m sure for our ‘waity-katie’, today was indeed worth the wait.
Congratulations should also go out to the Middleton family, and in particular, Kate’s svengali and master tactician, Carole Middleton. Collectively they strived all their lives to snag the Prince, operating like that Sigourney Weaver/Jennifer Love Hewitt tag team in that forgettable and impossibly lowbrow film ‘Heartbreakers’. A life long, meticulously planned goal(read about it, I’m not making this up), they left no stone unturned in making sure Kate and Wills was a sealed deal. Indeed, Carole should probably get some strategist job for life with the Royal family. Quite the gig, I think she’s agree. Fair play too for the most remarkable achievement of social climbing known to man. They certainly make Edmund Hillery look like a slouch. They are many steps in a social ladder spanning from the cabin crew of British Airways, via Kiddies Party Ware sellers to that iconic balcony in Buckingham Palace. Quite a feat. But be careful what you wish for Kate and Carole. Number 1, the Royal Family will never forget where ‘commoners’ come from, number 2, people with those kind of social aspirations never truly attain happiness, and number 3, the snarling British press, the most truculent people on this planet, await with baited breath to tear them to shreds, particularly Kate. Its just inevitable really, isn’t it? Today may have been the most idyllic day imaginable, but the possibilities that lie in wait, certainly are not. I’m not negative. I’m just looking at track records.
On that, I’m not bitter. I’m not cynical. I’m not pro monarchy, and I’m not even that anti monarchy. I’m Irish for god’s sake, I don’t give a shit about the monarchy or the royal family. And in today’s climate, I’m just being crushingly realistic. I see through all of this, and I think most level headed people would also. When this hysteria melts away, and the euphoric haze of patriotism and monarchical triumphism clears, and holidays end, we return to reality. A reality where you fork out the bill for such outlandish ceremonies, and the lifestyle associated with the Royal family and monarchy, and Kate’s wardrobe and foie gras. You may think its worth it today, but in reality, the Royals do NOT influence day to day policy, the crippling taxes you have to pay, the expenditure cuts you have to suffer, and the harsh economical climate you’re attempting to get more and more used to on a daily basis. They’re just all a bit irrelevant really, aren’t they? And when this honeymoon is over, maybe people will realise that once again. I hope everybody enjoyed it while it lasted anyway!
What? Just sayin’…
